ASDKings.com

In part 1 , I spoke about how I used the pop psychology Darkness Integration techniques taught by Jordan Peterson, Jocko Willink, and David Goggins to harness rage for fuel in the gym and tap into raw sides of me for motivation. I operated on this system for a couple of years, then the super toxic relationship I mentioned in pt.1 broke down right as covid lockdown began and threw me into another vortex of darkness, with no occupational routine to take my mind elsewhere.

  Autistic Shielding is not in the DSM but it is definitely real. I’ve been doing it my whole life without a clue it had a name. This isn’t just masking. …The fake smiles, the forced eye contact. Shielding is the long term consequence. A parasite in the mind. It’s an alternate identity built brick by brick, just to cope with the neurotypical zoo. Shields show up differently because it’s personal. For me it often meant hiding my sadness or joy or sense of humour because showing anything real just brings more judgment. Sometimes I block out the world with headphones, or routines because the chaos is unbearable. The strongest shield type is social shielding. This is my fake persona that hardened into my mind from years of masking. Charm, silence, humour, selective quirks and whatever it takes to stop being the target of every sideways glance and whispered “weird.” If you’ve ever been told you’re too much, too intense, or to “just be normal,” you know exactly why shielding exists. Th...

  When I look beneath my mask, I see Pain. Aggression. Fear. Self hatred. Regret.  But also- Determination. Passion. Creativity. Empathy. Channelling Dark Matter: Pain as a Power Source About two years ago, I walked into a conversation between two housemates, lets call them Sal and Geoff. We were all avid gym-goers and they were having a fierce debate.  Sal believed it was good to think about his ex in the gym, to channel his pain and hatred into lifting weights as a source of extra power, and as a way to release the traumas. Geoff believed Sal was unhealthy and this was toxic. When they both turned to me for my take on it, I lied and said Geoff was right, and there are healthier sources of drive available. About a half hour later I returned to the conversation to backtrack, knowing I had just been hijacked by my mask to 'say the right thing' and this resulted in me not being real with my bros. In truth, my years of training like a demon and pushing past where most give u...