Duality of the Autistic Mask.

 

When I look beneath my mask, I see Pain. Aggression. Fear. Self hatred. Regret. 

But also- Determination. Passion. Creativity. Empathy.

Channelling Dark Matter: Pain as a Power Source

About two years ago, I walked into a conversation between two housemates, lets call them Sal and Geoff. We were all avid gym-goers and they were having a fierce debate. 

Sal believed it was good to think about his ex in the gym, to channel his pain and hatred into lifting weights as a source of extra power, and as a way to release the traumas. Geoff believed Sal was unhealthy and this was toxic. When they both turned to me for my take on it, I lied and said Geoff was right, and there are healthier sources of drive available.

About a half hour later I returned to the conversation to backtrack, knowing I had just been hijacked by my mask to 'say the right thing' and this resulted in me not being real with my bros.

In truth, my years of training like a demon and pushing past where most give up were only possible through harnessing dark energy, and I had plenty of it.

Geoff, who was in good shape but the least muscular of the three of us, wasn't completely wrong, and I didn't completely lie. There are healthy sources of energy and drive for the gym, and I've certainly used them extensively, but my base, my foundation, my bread and butter was focussed aggression. 

I told them the reason I've been gaining 1-2 kilos of lean muscle per week naturally was just by "overtraining" and taking my recovery, nutrition and sleep seriously.  I believe a lot of wholesome, feel-good, healthy gym advice is actually holding people back from their full potential.

Not everyone can bring their dark matter into training. Some just don't have enough to conjure it up. I envy them. But if I have pain, I deserve to make it work to my advantage by pushing a few extra reps to total muscle failure and going beyond with a follow-up dropset or superset. 

I'm no mass monster, at best I have a big swimmer's physique, but I've been regularly accused of using steroids because of how rapidly I can progress. My secret is just tricking my brain into not giving up where a sane person would, by remembering painful injustices, or vividly imagining rage-bait scenarios.

The Role of ASD in Relentless Focus

Determination in niche-interest also superpowered my gym journey. It was hard at first and finding quality information from trustworthy sources in the 2010's was difficult and still is. The epidemic of youtubers on steroids trying to sell shit products to teenagers is insane. But I persevered and found what actually works by trying every exercise, trick and hack and developing my own.

The determination aspect of ASD also fueled my careers in roles not suited for ASD. I was adamant that I could be just as good at everyone else and strived for perfection. My biggest flaws were going down rabbit-holes, trying to improve or fix things that weren't a priority, and burning myself out by not prioritising myself.

Unmasking Creativity and Empathy

I didn't let my creativity shine as bright as I should've. I've always had a thing for writing, art, music, aesthetic design and drama but I've suppressed these natural inclinations my whole life in fear of being cringe. I'm too old to give a shit anymore and I'm giving these drives the outlets they deserve to grow. 

I write Young Adult fiction, I give myself permission to appreciate and learn from designs I like, and in recent years expanded my music taste beyond rap and edm into indie, pop, rock and synth.

I plan to teach myself the ins and outs of Digital Audio Workstations because recently, instead of existing songs, my brain plays this incredible genre-bending music that doesn't exist, but I don't yet have the skills to make it real. So only I can hear it, and that pisses me off.

In the past, I shielded the world from my empathy. I guess it was misplaced idealism in misunderstood masculinity. To me being vulnerable equalled being weak. Life's too short. If I care about someone, I let them know asap and let the cards fall where they may. The quality of my friendships and relationship since I started this has increased to all-time-highs.

My passion is advocating for Autism. I started the ASDKings project with the intention of collecting all the uncut knowledge I wish I had when I was younger.

Stay Sane.

-Patient Zero

Sources and Further Reading

All opinions are my own and do not reflect the personal views of cited authors.

1. Giles, G.E., Horner, C.A. and Anderson, E., 2020. When anger motivates: Approach states selectively influence running performance. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, p.1663. Available at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01663/full [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

2. Vaughan, R.S., Donachie, T.C. and Madigan, D.J., 2022. Dark Triad traits predict athletic aggression. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 61, p.102144. Available at: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1469029221001982 [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

3. Esteban-Gonzalo, S., Rodríguez-Romo, G., Arriscado, D., García-Rubio, J. and Vaquero-Cristóbal, R., 2020. Dark Triad traits and competitiveness among Spanish athletes. Healthcare, 8(2), p.165. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7277204/ [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

4. Biondolillo, M., 2014. Negative exercise memories boost future workout effort. University of New Hampshire. Available at: https://www.allure.com/story/exercise-motivation [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

5. Times of India, 2025. How can you train your brain to like exercise? Scientists have the answer. Available at: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/health-fitness/health-news/how-can-you-train-your-brain-to-like-exercise-scientists-have-the-answer/articleshow/122155795.cms [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

6. Wikipedia, 2025. Opponent-process theory. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opponent-process_theory [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

7. Wikipedia, 2025. Ego depletion. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_depletion [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].