Dark Matter beneath the Autistic Mask.

 

When I look beneath my mask, I see Pain. Aggression. Fear. Self hatred. Regret. 

But also- Determination. Passion. Creativity. Empathy.

Channelling Dark Matter: Pain as a Power Source

About two years ago, I walked into a conversation between two housemates, lets call them Sal and Geoff. We were all avid gym-goers and they were having a fierce debate. 

Sal believed it was good to think about his ex in the gym, to channel his pain and hatred into lifting weights as a source of extra power, and as a way to release the traumas. Geoff believed Sal was unhealthy and this was toxic. When they both turned to me for my take on it, I lied and said Geoff was right, and there are healthier sources of drive available.

About a half hour later I returned to the conversation to backtrack, knowing I had just been hijacked by my mask to 'say the right thing' and this resulted in me not being real with my bros.

In truth, my years of training like a demon and pushing past where most give up were only possible through harnessing dark energy, and I had plenty of it.

Geoff, who was in good shape but the least muscular of the three of us, wasn't completely wrong, and I didn't completely lie. There are healthy sources of energy and drive for the gym, and I've certainly used them extensively, but my base, my foundation, my bread and butter was focussed aggression. 

I told them the reason I've been gaining 1-2 kilos of lean muscle per week naturally was just by "overtraining" and taking my recovery, nutrition and sleep seriously.  I believe a lot of wholesome, feel-good, healthy gym advice is actually holding people back from their full potential.

Not everyone can bring their dark matter into training. Some just don't have enough to conjure it up. I envy them. But if I have pain, I deserve to make it work to my advantage by pushing a few extra reps to total muscle failure and going beyond with a follow-up dropset or superset. 

I'm no mass monster, at best I have a big swimmer's physique, but I've been regularly accused of using steroids because of how rapidly I can progress. My secret is just tricking my brain into not giving up where a sane person would, by remembering painful injustices, or vividly imagining rage-bait scenarios.

The Role of ASD in Relentless Focus

Determination in niche-interest also superpowered my gym journey. It was hard at first and finding quality information from trustworthy sources in the 2010's was difficult and still is. The epidemic of youtubers on steroids trying to sell shit products to teenagers is insane. But I persevered and found what actually works by trying every exercise, trick and hack and developing my own.

The determination aspect of ASD also fueled my careers in roles not suited for ASD. I was adamant that I could be just as good at everyone else and strived for perfection. My biggest flaws were going down rabbit-holes, trying to improve or fix things that weren't a priority, and burning myself out by not prioritising myself.

Unmasking Creativity and Empathy

I didn't let my creativity shine as bright as I should've. I've always had a thing for writing, art, music, aesthetic design and drama but I've suppressed these natural inclinations my whole life in fear of being cringe. I'm too old to give a shit anymore and I'm giving these drives the outlets they deserve to grow. 

I write Young Adult fiction, I give myself permission to appreciate and learn from designs I like, and in recent years expanded my music taste beyond rap and edm into indie, pop, rock and synth.

I plan to teach myself the ins and outs of Digital Audio Workstations because recently, instead of existing songs, my brain plays this incredible genre-bending music that doesn't exist, but I don't yet have the skills to make it real. So only I can hear it, and that pisses me off.

In the past, I shielded the world from my empathy. I guess it was misplaced idealism in misunderstood masculinity. To me being vulnerable equalled being weak. Life's too short. If I care about someone, I let them know asap and let the cards fall where they may. The quality of my friendships and relationship since I started this has increased to all-time-highs.

My passion is advocating for ASD. I started the ASDKings project with the intention of collecting all the uncut knowledge I wish I had when I was younger.

Stay Sane.

-Patient Zero

Sources and Further Reading

All opinions are my own and do not reflect the personal views of cited authors.

1. Giles, G.E., Horner, C.A. and Anderson, E., 2020. When anger motivates: Approach states selectively influence running performance. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, p.1663. Available at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01663/full [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

2. Vaughan, R.S., Donachie, T.C. and Madigan, D.J., 2022. Dark Triad traits predict athletic aggression. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 61, p.102144. Available at: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1469029221001982 [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

3. Esteban-Gonzalo, S., Rodríguez-Romo, G., Arriscado, D., García-Rubio, J. and Vaquero-Cristóbal, R., 2020. Dark Triad traits and competitiveness among Spanish athletes. Healthcare, 8(2), p.165. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7277204/ [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

4. Biondolillo, M., 2014. Negative exercise memories boost future workout effort. University of New Hampshire. Available at: https://www.allure.com/story/exercise-motivation [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

5. Times of India, 2025. How can you train your brain to like exercise? Scientists have the answer. Available at: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/health-fitness/health-news/how-can-you-train-your-brain-to-like-exercise-scientists-have-the-answer/articleshow/122155795.cms [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

6. Wikipedia, 2025. Opponent-process theory. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opponent-process_theory [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

7. Wikipedia, 2025. Ego depletion. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_depletion [Accessed 29 Jul. 2025].

You're not crazy. It's sensory overload.

Photo by Brandon Martinelli on Unsplash

Have you ever walked into a room and suddenly felt like you were about to explode?

Maybe the lights are too bright, every sound feels ten times louder, your clothes feel wrong, or someone’s chewing makes you want to scream and the worst part is you feel like you're the only one who can't handle it.

Let’s clear this up:
You’re not crazy.
You’re not overreacting.
You’re probably experiencing sensory overload.

And once you understand it, life starts making a lot more sense. I'm going to tell you:

1. What’s happening 
2. What to do about sensory overload
3. How to explain sensory overload

What Is Sensory Overload?

Sensory overload happens when your brain gets overwhelmed by too much sensory input — sound, light, touch, smell, even movement. It’s like your nervous system hits full capacity and just can’t filter things the way it usually does.

For people with autism, ADHD, or sensory processing differences, this happens more often — and with stronger reactions.

But it’s not limited to neurodivergent folks. Anyone under stress, lack of sleep, or burnout can reach their limit.

Signs of sensory overload include:

• Feeling panicked in noisy or crowded places

• Wanting to escape or shut down suddenly

• Getting irritated by lights, sounds, smells, or touch

• Becoming emotionally overwhelmed out of nowhere

• Struggling to focus or think straight when overstimulated

You're Not Broken

It’s easy to feel like something’s wrong with you when your body reacts so strongly to “normal” environments. But that response is valid.

Your brain isn’t broken, it’s built different. And different isn’t bad.

In fact, researchers has proved that people with autism and other neurodivergent profiles often process sensory input more intensely, not less.¹ That intensity can be a superpower — but in the wrong environment, it becomes a stressor.

What can you do about it?

Here’s what you can try when things start spiralling:

1. Get out of the overstimulating environment if you can. Step outside, go to a quiet room, or even just turn your back to the chaos for a minute.

2. Use tools that help reduce input: headphones, sunglasses, fidget tools, a hoodie — whatever helps you feel shielded.

3. Ground yourself. Focus 100% on something steady and boring like the feeling of your feet on the ground, a texture, or something you can concentrate on that isn't taxing on your brain.

4. Box Breathing Breath 4 seconds in, Hold for 4 seconds, Breath out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, repeat. This resets your amygdala (Part of the brain that scans for threats).

5. Don’t force yourself to “push through.” That usually makes things worse. You’re not weak — you’re responding to an invisible flood. 

How to Explain Sensory Overload to Someone

When people don’t understand, it can feel isolating. Here’s how to break it down:

“It’s like my brain is a browser with 100 tabs open, and suddenly, all the videos start playing at once. Everything feels too loud, too bright, too fast — and I can’t think or breathe properly.”

Or:

“You know that panicky feeling when you’re hangry and late and your phone won’t stop buzzing? Imagine that, but triggered by sound, light, or fabric on your skin. That’s sensory overload.”

If they don’t get it that’s ok. You don’t need to justify your nervous system.

You’re Allowed to Protect Your Peace

Let this be your reminder:
You’re not too sensitive.
You’re not being dramatic.
You’re not imagining it.

You’re navigating a world that wasn’t built with your sensory needs in mind — and it’s okay to step out, recharge, and do what you need to feel safe and regulated.

Sensory overload doesn’t make you weak. Recognizing it and responding with care is a strength.

Key Takeaways:

• Sensory overload is a real, physical response to too much input.

• It's common in ASD and  ADHD but can happen to anyone.

• You're not broken, your brain is just wired differently.

• Managing sensory overload means listening to your body, creating safe spaces, and using tools that work for you.

Stay healthy. Stay strong. Stay Sane.

-Patient Zero

Sources:

1. Robertson, C.E. & Baron-Cohen, S. (2017). Sensory perception in autism. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 18(11), 671–684.

2. Tavassoli, T. et al. (2014). Sensory over-responsivity in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Autism, 18(4), 428–432.

3. National Autistic Society: What is sensory overload?

Think you have ASD? Start Here (Step Zero)

Autistic adults are frequently misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, or personality disorders when clinicians fail to recognize masking strategies or atypical presentations, leading to prolonged denial and suffering.

Camouflaging or masking autism is strongly associated with depression, self-criticism, and even suicidal risk, particularly in those diagnosed later in life.

My Near-Fatal Mistake

At 21 years old, I left the office of one of Europe’s leading experts in the field of autism with a piece of paper in my hand and a hole in my chest. Late-diagnosed Autism.

It's a weird feeling. A piece of paper that minimises your entire life experience into one word, telling you who you are. How could it possibly know you better than you know yourself? It can't be right.

I wasn't ready to face the truth. It had to be a mistake. I'd only spoken to the "qualified expert" for 20 minutes. He doesn't know me. Sure I have quirks and issues, but I'm not autistic. I'm just me.

Internalised Ableism

I stuck the diagnosis in the bottom of a drawer and forgot about it for years. I lived in denial. Nothing changed. The daily masking and problems persisted. Every day, one of the following thoughts continued to haunt me:

•     Why are people so irrational and exhausting to be around?
•     I feel like an alien forced to study and copy humans to survive.
•     I feel like a fraud when I fit in, I feel like a loser when I don't.
•     Everyone ends up disgusting me in some way.
•     Why am I annoyed by normal people, but wish weird people were more normal?
•     Everyone says "be yourself" but anytime I do it ends badly.

•     Why is my comfort zone so small?
•     I hate loud noises, bright lights, and big crowds.
•     Why can't I go with the flow? I need to know what's up in advance.
•     How do I stop feeling socially anxious and introverted?
•     Why am I so picky with clothes?
•     Is it normal to get panic attacks all the time?
•     How is eye contact a normal thing when it feels more intimate than kissing?

•     Is there something wrong me?
•     I really don't care about some people's problems. Am I a psycho?
•     I also care too much about other people's problems. Am I a suck up?
•     Why do people hate me for telling the truth when they ask for it?
•     Am I just imagining being treated as a second class citizen?
•     When I'm insulted, I'm "overreacting" but others can lash out and no one cares. Why?

Sorry if any of this hit close to home. As someone in denial, these were the challenges I faced. What makes denial of autism so poisonous is you see yourself as a 'failed normal person', and hence blame yourself and others for these issues, framing the problems as impossible-to-fix character flaws. 

Don't worry, they are manageable or fixable, and I will write a post for each one detailing how, but first you need to understand this, and understand it well:

These are not character flaws. There is nothing wrong with you. 

As I spoke about in my earlier post 'ASD is not a disorder'-ASDKings.com: ASD is not a Disorder, we are not broken things to be swept away by a world not built for us. We're actually fully optimised to take control and make it, now more than ever, to the lives we want. It just takes a bit of time to readjust.

The world has hurt us enough and will continue to do so until we find the strength to face it, armed with the right knowledge, attitude and confidence. You've probably spent life superficially powering through it, like I did, but at what cost?

There is a better way.

Step Zero: the non-negotiable foundation for building peace, strength, success, and happiness.

Before we can even begin with step one, or addressing any 'symptoms', it's critical to first take step zero; the prerequisite step before all others.

Step Zero is simply being real with yourself. 

Only by accepting the truth and playing the cards you're dealt, can you start playing to win, optimising life to maximise your unfair advantages, minimize energy drains, and not feel like a fuck up anymore, because having ASD means being born with gifts. 

If you don't know what your gifts are, you've probably spent too long wrapping your life around other people's ideas of what you should be. This is going against the grain of your character build, trying to be someone you're not, spending 10x more effort to be half as successful as others. I did this for most of my life. 

Deep Masking cuts you off from your true life calling. It can make you believe you have no talents because you never felt "permitted" to try something you're actually good at, so you never know.

It sets the stage for major Crash Outs, underlined by Autistic Burnout.

Living in denial and pretending to be neurotypical is like fighting a championship boxer with your hands tied behind your back, when you actually had a gun the whole time. Are you willing to stop holding back?

Step Zero enables you to regain control by having a solid starting point of truth. From this, you can add tools, systems, knowledge, skills, experience, resources, support, and ultimately, build the power you need to achieve real freedom.

Step Zero prepares you to correctly navigate the world for what it is: a neurotypical playground, not built for us. They outnumber us... the world and it's cultures are made to their liking, but without us, we wouldn't have made it past the bronze age. Don't forget your importance.

Step Zero Arms You to tackle and overcome each of the bullet points mentioned earlier. I've done this and will teach you how, but understand that trying to solve these problems as symptoms while in denial of your ASD is too difficult. 

If you're unwilling to learn about your autism, and unwilling to integrate this knowledge into life without utilising what you're working with, trying to catch up is like trying to mow the lawn with tweezers. You will make progress, but the lawn is growing faster than you're cutting it, and your ego is in the way of using the lawnmower to get the job done so you can enjoy life.

Take step one and stay tuned for actionable, free guides for healing yourself and dominating all spheres of neurotypical life.

Denial Kills. Stay Sane.

-Patient Zero

References and Further Reading

All opinions are my own and do not reflect the personal views of cited authors.

• Cage, E., Di Monaco, J. and Newell, V., 2018. Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), pp.473–484.
  Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29071566/

• Crompton, C.J., Ropar, D. and Fletcher-Watson, S., 2021. Autistic adults’ experiences of diagnosis: A qualitative study. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 51(8), pp.2543–2556.
  Available at: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40489-023-00356-8

• Leedham, A., Thompson, A.R., Smith, R. and Freeth, M., 2020. "I was exhausted trying to figure it out": The experiences of adults diagnosed with autism in adulthood. Autism, 24(1), pp.135–146.
  Available at: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10291390/

• Milton, D.E.M., 2012. On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), pp.883–887.
  Available at: https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008

• Raymaker, D.M., Teo, A.R., Steckler, N.A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., Arnold, S.R. and Nicolaidis, C., 2020. Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), pp.132–143.
  Available at: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7273801/

• Sarrett, J.C., 2023. Examining medical gaslighting and outdated diagnostic practices in adult ADHD & autism assessment. ND by Design.
  Available at: https://www.ndbydesign.org/post/examining-medical-gaslighting-and-outdated-diagnostic-practices-in-adult-adhd-autism-assessment-an

• National Health Service (NHS) England, 2023. Meeting the needs of autistic adults in mental health services. [online]

• Available at: https://www.england.nhs.uk/long-read/meeting-the-needs-of-autistic-adults-in-mental-health-services/

ASD is not a Disorder

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” -widely attributed to Einstein

This quote often gets tossed around to help people on the spectrum cope. Don’t let this quote fade away after a moment of feeling superficially vindicated, because believe it or not, this goes so much deeper than we realise.

The Big ‘D’ In ASD Stands For Disorder

In the years after owning up to my late diagnosis, after years of denial, accepting it, growing into it, learning what it means, and finally realising I’d prefer to be this way than being neurotypical, something hit me like a tonne of bricks… the fact that this gift is considered a disorder at all pisses me off. 

Disorder? How does the word disorderly describe the most systematic, pattern-driven, hyper focussed, intellectually driven group of people on earth? 

It doesn’t. Disorderly describes irrational, emotions-first, unpredictable people. Disorderly describes how I see a lot of neurotypicals. But, because we:

1. Look at things more deeply than NT’s, 

2. Don’t have the energy to coddle them non-stop with contradictory, polite lies,

3. Because we go all-in with our interests and hobbies, enjoying them to the fullest, and

4. Communicate information as directly as possible

We’re the ones with a “disorder”. 

I don’t buy it. Do you?

The Proof:

The study most often cited for showing that autistic people can communicate and operate better with each other compared to interactions with neurotypical people is “Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective” by Crompton et al. (2020). In this study:

 

• Groups were formed as all-autistic, all-non-autistic, and mixed (half autistic, half non-autistic).

 

• Participants played a structured storytelling/communication game where a story had to be relayed through group members.

 

• Results showed autistic people shared information with each other as effectively as non-autistic people did in their own groups.

 

• However, when autistic and non-autistic people were mixed, information transfer sharply decreased, and participants in mixed groups reported lower rapport.

 

• The authors argue these findings challenge deficit models of autistic social skills and support the “double empathy problem,” which suggests communication challenges are bi-directional and context-dependent, rather than due to a unilateral autistic “deficit”.

Other studies and reviews further support these findings, including observer-rated and self-rated measures of rapport, which found better social connection and greater ease within matched neurotype interactions (autistic-autistic and non-autistic–non-autistic) than in mixed neurotype pairs.

The Crompton et al. (2020) study is the landmark experimental work that first systematically demonstrated this effect with clear, direct data.

Flipping The Script

Imagine an alternative world, where the overwhelming majority of people were on the spectrum, and only a small minority were NT. Imagine the culture, infrastructure, and etiquette of this world is built around ASD, with a few NT’s sprinkled in.

This is a world where honesty is the norm, eye contact is rude, small talk is pointless, and loud noises are banned. How would we treat the minority NT’s living here?

We’d probably feel bad for them, and offer them supports to “adjust and cope” with “the way things are”. We’d give them a label to help identify their needs, like ‘Irrational Spectrum Disorder’ with the most severe cases needing lifelong support, and the ‘higher functioning IRB’ being the typical, friendly NT we all know, but in this world they would be advised to mask and be more like us, struggling with identity and direction.

The NT’s would suffer higher than normal levels depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, like we do, because they’d feel like outcasts or failures compared to “the norm”, like we do.

The point I’m trying to make is in both worlds, there is no disorder. It’s a matter of perspective who has a disorder.

We’re not a failure of genetics. We’re just built different and then compared to people built for other purposes, simply because they outnumber us.

I disdain hearing phrases like “Fake it til you make it.” or “It’s not that bad, chill out.” or “Have you tried just paying more attention?” or worst of all “I can’t trust you if you don’t look me in the eyes.”

Maybe I’d pay more attention if you tried being better at talking. Maybe I shouldn’t trust you because you’re forcing me to do something uncomfortable.

Well-intentioned, condescending copes and platitudes from NT’s delivered to help us feel better, with a tone of annoyance and pity attached like we’re less than. 

I don’t feel less than NT’s when I don’t have a clue what they’re talking about. I feel less than when I pretend to. 

Bizarrely, giving less fucks and politely saying straight up to people that I have ‘no idea about X’ or ‘no interest in Y’ makes me respect myself more. 

I believe in fearless honesty, a trait abundant in the ASD community and severely lacking in Western NT circles.

The ASD exceptions to being real are the ones unable to unmask, or worse, unaware of their own masking. We run the risk of getting so deep into character we don’t know how to tell the truth anymore because we don’t even know which personality we are.

This was me for most of my life. I’ve recovered but it was rough.

The Neurodivergent Masking Identity Crisis

I believed I was NT for 23 years, so when I would mask (bullshit my way through life) like everyone else, then felt especially hollow and sore about it, I thought I must be broken or something. But it was just my system rejecting the wrong program I was trying to run. 

I unknowingly masked for two decades, thinking I was the mask. Thinking something was wrong with me for feeling taxed and exhausted for every second I acted ‘normal’.

At 18, instead of pursuing my real passions, I took it upon myself to find the missing pieces and “complete” myself through exposure therapy by interacting with as many people as I could in high-pressure customer-facing commission sales roles.

Basically everyone I knew told me not to do it, but I had to. Nobody knew I was autistic, not even me, but they knew enough to know it “wasn’t for me”. I knew they were right, which is exactly why I had to rip the band-aid off and do it.

What happened was my mask and my confidence got major upgrades. It was an addictive and immediate self-improvement feedback loop. I could talk to anybody, but I still felt like a fraud.

I once had a girl on the sales team ask me straight up if I was a psychopath. When I asked her why she thought that, she replied “Everything you do or say seems so perfect and calculated, like you’re not real.”

Her tone was genuine, friendly, and little concerned, but my 18 year old brain took it as a compliment, a sign that I was on the right track but needed slight adjustments to be a little more natural, so I did and slipped deeper and deeper into a new persona.

It should’ve been my sign to stop and rethink my life, but I couldn’t have been more unaware of how closely she came to hitting the nail on the head, and how far from a happy existence that misplaced ideal of ‘being normal’ was.

I went on to become so normal, even charismatic, that nobody suspected me, not even other autists. I got everything I wanted but it was miserable.

Now I tell people I’m autistic if I’m going to be around them a lot. I’m less afraid to be autistic, and I put zero effort into being funny or cool. If it happens, it happens naturally. I’m comfortable being odd, quiet, getting lost in a new interest, or info dumping on people.

I’m glad I went down this path so I could see it was all a lie, instead of wondering and regretting, but I am not the same.

The First Step to Freedom: Being Real.

I am painstakingly allergic to bullshit, especially when it comes from my own mouth, but the silver lining after years of sales, decades of masking, and thinking it was all just something everyone did is this:

I speak NT bullshit quite fluently… and as the saying goes, I cannot be bullshitted anymore. 

Not in the least by the lies keeping us held back, but better yet and most importantly; I can no longer bullshit myself.

I write these anon posts so I can speak the uncut truth, beginning with the most important one:

ASD is not a disorder. It never was. Stay Sane.

-Patient Zero

Sources:

Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320919286

https://www.pure.ed.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/149282333/1362361320919286.pdf

Double Empathy Problem:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_empathy_problem

Milton, Damian E. M. (2012). “On the ontological status of autism: the ‘double empathy problem’.” Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. DOI: 10.1080/09687599.2012.710008.

https://kar.kent.ac.uk/62639/1/Double%20empathy%20problem.pdf