I try to rip off the mask fighting to live on my face. When it’s halfway off, it gives up …but I stop. I’m scared to lose my greatest weapon. It’s the 7th or 8th version and it tells me if I don’t like it we can always start again with revisions and upgrades. The latest upgrade, ‘Tactical Empathy Leak’ was a smash-hit success.
But, it’s not about protecting me from the world anymore. It protects me from myself, because I’m not ready to be who I know I’ll become without it.
I need to run towards the challenge.
What does it mean to be real? I’ll tell you.
In Two words: Fuck You.
It’s not about saying “Fuck You” to everyone and terrorising people. It’s about having the ability to say Fuck You when you need to.
It’s an energy you reserve on standby. It’s a position to never need anything from someone you dislike.
The balls to walk away. The gall to say you don’t care. The audacity to put your deep needs first. The self-respect to not talk to people you don’t vibe with.
Types 2’s and 3’s are real ones
A common Type 2 trait is walking away mid conversation.
While this might seem like a social mistake to us Type 1’s, it’s the height of ignorance for us to miss the point of why they do it.
They know something we don’t and live by it:
Their energy matters more than other people’s feelings.
This is the core of being real. This is wisdom. It is truly better to nope out than to be trapped in a torture chamber.
I’ve done it many times. Vanishing like Batman aka the “Irish Goodbye” instantly fixed a lot of anxiety attacks. It’s rude. I don’t care.
Being a good friend, family member, employee and lover means having your mental and emotional cup full so you can give.
The spectrum is like having a cup full of holes, always drained from everything around us, so protecting that is our top priority. If not for us, for them.
Putting other people’s feelings ahead of your own sanity is the breeding ground for becoming a burnout with a skill for lying.
I masked so hard I lost the ability to tell the truth because I forgot it.
The High Functioning Trap- People Pleasing
On the spectrum, we default to a learned, alternate, systematic communication pattern for survival.
It’s the reason why we communicate on higher levels with other autists than the neurotypicals can with us.
When neurotypicals communicate, they jump to assumptions about the other person, based on themself.
In other words, they think: ‘I like X so they probably like X too.’ So they proceed to speak about X with nothing else in the way.
And odds are the other neurotypical likes X too, so they get along with:
🤢Love Island, Sports, Celeb Gossip🤢
A neurotypical conversation starts from the mental point of “me first” or “What do I want to talk about?”
We don’t work like that, because if we like Y and if we speak about Y right off the bat, people look at us like we have three heads. But that’s ok, because we can load up the ‘fake it til you make it’ program and operate from “them first” aka “what does the other person want to talk about?”
Weaponised Empathy: the radioactive opposite of Real
To deal with this communication issue, we gather available information about the person, their appearance, their demeanour, listen to them speak or small talk a bit before arriving at the conclusion that the thing they like to speak about is probably X, so I’ll ask them about X.
I’ll then proceed to push buttons by asking the right questions and laughing, nodding, wincing and ad-libbing at the right moments like a quick-time-event in a video game to keep them engaged.
I’m spending precious energy looking them in the eye, smoothly shifting gears out of small talk and hiding my slight disgust at them and myself. If I can successfully avoid info dumping, I’ll get a “you’re a great listener”.
To really sell it, I’ll listen to my restrained overactive empathy just a little, then play up the natural actions it elicits in me, accurately showing what I really feel deep down without actually fully feeling it. An example of Shielding.
With the emotional wall down and small talk long behind us, it’s time to deploy the payload:
I give them the bait. A small piece of myself, real or fake, but vulnerable. If my story is fake, then I think of something real to sell the emotion, again through the ‘restrain and play-up’ filter to avoid feeling it too much.
This is the part where I get them to info dumping to me about their personal, vulnerable, raw and emotional highlight reels and pain, guiding and encouraging them on an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows- the bedrock of connection.
I allow myself to feel some of it to let them know without words I that ‘get them’.
For every nugget they give me, I give a breadcrumb back.
This ends with them convinced I’m their new best friend, and I can vibe, or leave the scene on a high note.
And that babe, is the mythical High Functioning Masking tutorial.
If you read all this and think it’s a good idea to try out, buddy, no it’s not. This doesn’t make real friends, this doesn’t manipulate people. This is a step-by-step tutorial of how to become an unpaid therapist. 🤡
Trying to copy this shameful confession will result in unfathomable stress and problems.
My manipulation method has a few extra critical steps and the knowledge should never have existed. I feel regret. I felt entitled to mess with them. They deserved it. I deserve my pain.
Human beings aren’t machines, and neither method fulfils the goals of the autist. It just sells products and it gets short term fake connection.
Woe be to you if this is your long-term life strategy.
Why it’s not worth it
Did you spot the glaring issue?
I don’t care about X. I’m not even curious about X. I want to talk about Y. Yet my goal is to bring up X and pivot to therapist mode.
Maybe if I’m a good boy they’ll let me infodump about Y.
This not being real. It’s disrespectful to myself. In fact, it’s painful and shameful.
This is not operating from “Fuck You” or “Me first” or “What am I interested in talking about?”
This is operating from “Them-first” “Please like me” and “unpaid therapist” mode.
This is not being nice or compassionate, this is being a fraud.
If the goal is real connection, respect and happiness, you fucked up.
Even C3P0, a protocol droid designed to serve humans, renowned for being a coward, was not afraid to annoy everyone by talking about stuff they didn’t want to hear.
Is C3P0 realer than you?
This “them-first” communication style belongs in the landfill.
This connection is fake and worthless to both me and them. I baited them into thinking I cared, and baited myself into thinking they’re the person I need validation from right now.
Sure, I do care about them, but not because I want to, it’s because my empathy is on steroids and I need to limit the supply so I don’t get hurt.
I’ll care about literally anything if I allow myself.
The connection that follows this pattern though is a systematic, unfulfilling chore for me and a slimy lie for them.
This is a hybrid of old and new school sales, not socialising. But since we Type 1’s could speak, this is the only successful, approved way a lot of us had to socialise.
When I deviated off this template as a child or teen, I entered polarising territory. Real me was either loved or hated. As children and young teens we don’t want to be hated so we adapt.
We learn to suppress the Fuck You Energy.
As adults, survival depends on Fuck You Energy.
People Pleasing got me swimming in deeper and deeper shit than Fuck You or Big Dick Energy ever could.
At worst, Fuck You Energy got me threatened to be shot after flirting with the wrong person. I was scared for 1 day and got a cool story out of it.
At best, People Pleasing got me a remorseless, controlling girlfriend when I was 16. I was a miserable sack of shit for 2 years. At least I learned early.
I’ve been a people pleaser, and I’ve been a selfish prick, and if being healthy isn’t an option then I choose selfish prick every single time.
People Pleasing dilutes and cheapens you. If you can’t call someone out on their shit, then your compliments to them don’t have any weight.
People Pleasing, appealing to their needs at all times, especially when they’re NT and need less support than you, is insanity. Reinforced, learned insanity.
If I catch you people pleasing I’m going to shoot you. Thank me later.
“But Zero, how do I unmask at work? Is it safe?”
Guide is on the way.
“But Zero, how do I make real connections the healthy way?”
Guide is on the way.
“But Zero, my whole life is a lie? Fuck you!”
That’s the spirit.
Stay tuned. Stay Sane.
-Patient Zero
References and further reading
All personal views are my own.
Ai, W., Cunningham, W.A. & Lai, M.-C. (2024). Camouflaging, internalized stigma, and mental health in the general population. International Journal of Social Psychiatry, 70(7), pp.1239–1253.
https://doi.org/10.1177/00207640241260020
Bradley, L., Shaw, R., Baron‑Cohen, S. & Cassidy, S. (2021). Autistic Adults’ Experiences of Camouflaging and its Perceived Impact on Mental Health. Autism in Adulthood, 3(4), pp.320–329.
https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0071
Hull, L., Petrides, K.V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron‑Cohen, S. & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), pp.2519–2534.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5
Raymaker, D.M., Teo, A.R., Steckler, N.A. et al. (2020). “Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), pp.132–143.
https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0079
Moore, H.L., Cassidy, S., Rodgers, J. et al. (2023). Exploring the mediating effect of camouflaging and the moderating effect of autistic identity on the relationship between autistic traits and mental wellbeing. Autism Research, 17(7), pp.1391–1406.
https://doi.org/10.1002/aur.3073
Cage, E., Di Monaco, J. & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), pp.473–484.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7
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