Autistic adults are frequently misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, or personality disorders when clinicians fail to recognize masking strategies or atypical presentations, leading to prolonged denial and suffering.
Camouflaging or masking autism is strongly associated with depression, self-criticism, and even suicidal risk, particularly in those diagnosed later in life.
My Near-Fatal Mistake
At 21 years old, I left the office of one of Europe’s leading experts in the field of autism with a piece of paper in my hand and a hole in my chest. Late-diagnosed Autism.
It's a weird feeling. A piece of paper that minimises your entire life experience into one word, telling you who you are. How could it possibly know you better than you know yourself? It can't be right.
I wasn't ready to face the truth. It had to be a mistake. I'd only spoken to the "qualified expert" for 20 minutes. He doesn't know me. Sure I have quirks and issues, but I'm not autistic. I'm just me.
Internalised Ableism
I stuck the diagnosis in the bottom of a drawer and forgot about it for years. I lived in denial. Nothing changed. The daily masking and problems persisted. Every day, one of the following thoughts continued to haunt me:
- Why are people so irrational and exhausting to be around?
- I feel like an alien forced to study and copy humans to survive.
- I feel like a fraud when I fit in, I feel like a loser when I don't.
- Everyone ends up disgusting me in some way.
- Why am I annoyed by normal people, but wish weird people were more normal?
- Everyone says "be yourself" but anytime I do it ends badly.
- Why is my comfort zone so small?
- I hate loud noises, bright lights, and big crowds.
- Why can't I go with the flow? I need to know what's up in advance.
- How do I stop feeling socially anxious and introverted?
- Why am I so picky with clothes?
- Is it normal to get panic attacks all the time?
- How is eye contact a normal thing when it feels more intimate than kissing?
- Is there something wrong me?
- I really don't care about some people's problems. Am I a psycho?
- I also care too much about other people's problems. Am I a suck up?
- Why do people hate me for telling the truth when they ask for it?
- Am I just imagining being treated as a second class citizen?
- When I'm insulted, I'm "overreacting" but others can lash out and no one cares. Why?
Sorry if any of this hit close to home. As someone in denial, these were the challenges I faced. What makes denial of autism so poisonous is you see yourself as a 'failed normal person', and hence blame yourself and others for these issues, framing the problems as impossible-to-fix character flaws.
Don't worry, they are manageable or fixable, and I will write a post for each one detailing how, but first you need to understand this, and understand it well:
These are not character flaws. There is nothing wrong with you.
As I spoke about in my earlier post 'ASD is not a disorder'-ASDKings.com: ASD is not a Disorder, we are not broken things to be swept away by a world not built for us. We're actually fully optimised to take control and make it, now more than ever, to the lives we want. It just takes a bit of time to readjust.
The world has hurt us enough and will continue to do so until we find the strength to face it, armed with the right knowledge, attitude and confidence. You've probably spent life superficially powering through it, like I did, but at what cost?
There is a better way.
Step Zero: the non-negotiable foundation for building peace, strength, success, and happiness.
Before we can even begin with step one, or addressing any 'symptoms', it's critical to first take step zero; the prerequisite step before all others.
Step Zero is simply being real with yourself.
Only by accepting the truth and playing the cards you're dealt, can you start playing to win, optimising life to maximise your unfair advantages, minimize energy drains, and not feel like a fuck up anymore, because having ASD means being born with gifts.
If you don't know what your gifts are, you've probably spent too long wrapping your life around other people's ideas of what you should be. This is going against the grain of your character build, trying to be someone you're not, spending 10x more effort to be half as successful as others. I did this for most of my life.
Deep Masking cuts you off from your true life calling. It can make you believe you have no talents because you never felt "permitted" to try something you're actually good at, so you never know.
It sets the stage for major Crash Outs, underlined by Autistic Burnout.
Living in denial and pretending to be neurotypical is like fighting a championship boxer with your hands tied behind your back, when you actually had a gun the whole time. Are you willing to stop holding back?
Step Zero enables you to regain control by having a solid starting point of truth. From this, you can add tools, systems, knowledge, skills, experience, resources, support, and ultimately, build the power you need to achieve real freedom.
Step Zero prepares you to correctly navigate the world for what it is: a neurotypical playground, not built for us. They outnumber us... the world and it's cultures are made to their liking, but without us, we wouldn't have made it past the bronze age. Don't forget your importance.
Step Zero Arms You to tackle and overcome each of the bullet points mentioned earlier. I've done this and will teach you how, but understand that trying to solve these problems as symptoms while in denial of your ASD is too difficult.
If you're unwilling to learn about your autism, and unwilling to integrate this knowledge into life without utilising what you're working with, trying to catch up is like trying to mow the lawn with tweezers. You will make progress, but the lawn is growing faster than you're cutting it, and your ego is in the way of using the lawnmower to get the job done so you can enjoy life.
Take step one and stay tuned for actionable, free guides for healing yourself and dominating all spheres of neurotypical life.
Denial Kills. Stay Sane.
-Patient Zero
References and Further Reading
Cage, E., Di Monaco, J. and Newell, V., 2018. Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), pp.473–484.
Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29071566/-
Crompton, C.J., Ropar, D. and Fletcher-Watson, S., 2021. Autistic adults’ experiences of diagnosis: A qualitative study. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 51(8), pp.2543–2556.
Available at: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40489-023-00356-8 -
Leedham, A., Thompson, A.R., Smith, R. and Freeth, M., 2020. "I was exhausted trying to figure it out": The experiences of adults diagnosed with autism in adulthood. Autism, 24(1), pp.135–146.
Available at: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10291390/ -
Milton, D.E.M., 2012. On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), pp.883–887.
Available at: https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008 -
Raymaker, D.M., Teo, A.R., Steckler, N.A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., Arnold, S.R. and Nicolaidis, C., 2020. Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), pp.132–143.
Available at: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7273801/ -
Sarrett, J.C., 2023. Examining medical gaslighting and outdated diagnostic practices in adult ADHD & autism assessment. ND by Design.
Available at: https://www.ndbydesign.org/post/examining-medical-gaslighting-and-outdated-diagnostic-practices-in-adult-adhd-autism-assessment-an National Health Service (NHS) England, 2023. Meeting the needs of autistic adults in mental health services. [online]
Available at: https://www.england.nhs.uk/long-read/meeting-the-needs-of-autistic-adults-in-mental-health-services/
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment